July'17 · Ramble

The unknowable question

Have you ever been so in your own head that you’re also so out of it?

Like your inescapable thoughts have taken you above your being, an outsider watching an insider, experiencing the reminiscence as though through a window. Watching as a stream of infinite different scenarios, very few of them positive, flutter around the room, painting pictures of possibilities. Unable to stop them from forgetting to live in the moment, to live in that day, that second without thinking about what the next second, day, month or year might bring. Unable to stop them from flooding the room with the potential future, unable to tell them to turn off the tap, to stop and breathe so that the flood can stop. Unable to control the restlessness in their legs as they pace around the sopping floor.

Have you ever had similar ‘tug-of-war’ conversations with yourself? I’ll give an example.

You read a book where a man cheats frequently on his girlfriend, gets a thrill from it as she repeatedly allows it to continue

Bad voice: That’s happening to you.

Normal voice: don’t be silly, that’s ridiculous, you know that’s not the case, you have no reason to think that, to not trust him.

~a minute passes~

Normal voice: What if, just what IF the bad voice is right? Shouldn’t I listen to it? To stop myself being sad in the future? Doesn’t it make sense to consider this? Should I act upon it?

…Until your mind is a delectable cocktail of doubts, fears and paranoia so intense, it can destroy the trust for a person you’ve spent months attempting to build – all centered around the unknowable question “what if”? Building the wall that traps you inside your own head.

I write this at a period of intense restlessness in my life, after a few weeks of feeling lost. With university over for the summer, anxiety ruining my attempts to find part-time work, I spend the weekdays not knowing what to do with myself. I spend the weekends, with no motivation to help alleviate my own tediousness, no drive to even write. With a recurring feeling in my legs which I can only describe as ‘kicky’ (a feeling of needing to kick out my legs repeatedly). I am fed up with myself, my internal battle, my inability to fully relax without feeling like I am wasting days by not achieving anything, having naps just to make time pass quicker. So out-of-sorts I heavily doubt this post even makes sense, and yet here I am, posting it.


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