It always comes back to this, doesn’t it?
Mascara stained sheets with arms reddened and scratched to bits.
What started it off?
My mind is lost.
A tsunami of thoughts crushing the walls of stability
that hold my mind at peace.
I’ve refrained from sharing something so honest for a little while because I found my blog writing so utterly self-indulgent that I was a little disgusted when re-reading it. This too, is self indulgent, but this is me trying to make sense of me and so self-indulgence is the way to go.
The tsunami happened today, a sudden intense desire to fold in on myself, a sudden feeling of being chained to my bed because leaving my bed? Leaving meant university. It meant exams. Exams I have no chance of passing. Exams that would dictate my entire life; and so the cycle began, the anchor was pulling me further down into my own twisted mind. Why must I be such a continual burden? I could (can?) think of nothing positive that I add to the lives of my family and friends. I feel like a black hole, bringing people into my own darkness. I feel contagious, like by displaying my stresses I’m adding to theirs and how can I continually be so selfish? I cannot continue to be a burden and yet I am incapable of hiding the tsunami. It’s strange, to be fine one minute and the next contemplating how much easier it would be to stop existing; how in the panic where I can’t catch my breath, it would be so easy to stop them altogether. It’s a trapped feeling, a moment that doesn’t seem to end, a feeling that doesn’t feel like it will ever pass; this is it, this is me now, this time the moment won’t end and frankly? You deserve it, for letting it begin again in the first place.
It’s funny, that a moment that feels so all encompassing is so difficult to write about. Even when those feelings linger, as they are as I type, it feels impossible to put it all into words. I suppose in the moment, nothing makes sense, so why should it when you try to reflect upon it? Maybe these things will never make sense. Maybe I will never make sense.
It sure feels that way. After all, being dragged to buy laminate flooring seemed to help me regain some sort of control- and that, to me, doesn’t make sense.