Hot then cold, yes then no…

I’ve spoken briefly before about my many contradictions and now I think it’s time to elaborate- introducing another list for your perusal.

  • I regard myself as of no-more than average intelligence and yet I am constantly disappointed or underwhelmed with my grades for not being good enough, even when I know that if my friends had achieved the same grades, I would be very proud of them and encourage them to celebrate. Whenever I ‘achieve’ something, I struggle to feel any real pride. In some ways, this is improving (‘The Anxiety Awards’ is a genuine example of this) but I struggle to recognize more major ‘achievements’ as anything other than average (even very recent examples such as a receiving a 2.1 on a midterm). I seem to feel a sense of ‘I should have done better’ even though I also do not believe I  have the intelligence to actually do better. It all gets a little bit confusing.
  • I have low self-esteem, which manifests itself in a somewhat complicated way. In the past, I would be unable to leave the house without some sort of make-up because my natural self was far too unattractive to face the world. Yet, I never felt (and still do not) that make-up ever really improved my appearance, I was still unattractive, just slightly less so. Nowadays is slightly different, in some ways I believe I’ve accepted that make-up cannot fundamentally change my face, and so I can happily leave the house without it – I say happily, what I mean is, I can be in a state of not caring. A state of accepting my unattractive state and not caring, so not bothering with make-up. Except, I do care. I can still glance at my reflection in a window and feel a sense of disgust. I still feel too unattractive to be truly wanted by a potential romantic interest. I flit between not caring what I look like and accepting that I’m ugly and being deeply saddened that I’m too unattractive for even make-up to save.
  • I am too fat to go ‘out-out’ by which I mean to night clubs. I would never regard someone else as too fat to go and enjoy a night with friends, in fact the idea of that seems to ridiculous to me. Myself however? Too fat for night clubs.

Now I’ll stop before I ramble on for too long, finishing up by further introducing myself as a a self-confessed hypocrite.


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